happy in my heart.

Saturday morning on February 21st we woke up and got ready to go to Casa Grande for skydiving. I woke up feeling great, but by the time I was ready I had his overwhelming feeling of being depressed. Zack kept trying to see what was wrong, but I couldn't explain it. I just felt very, very down. Things lightened up a bit when we went to Casa Grande. We filled out the paperwork in the super tiny airport (smaller than the airport in Wings!) and met our instructors. They taught us about ARCHING. Kind of making our bodies into bananas with our arms crossed, hips forward and shoulders back. That's how your body is supposed to be when you first jump out.

So Zack and I get all strapped up in our harness. Then we walked out to the freakiest plane ever. It was brown, tiny, and duct taped to keep it together on the inside. Literally. The part we sat on had carpet thrown down on it haha. While we were up in the air we got strapped to our instructors and the instructors put on a glove that had a camera attached to it so they could tape us the whole time.

Guess who volunteered to jump first? Me, of course! I have never skydived before and I wasn't in the least bit nervous. Zack has gone once and his knee was jumping up and down like he was a little bit scared. So the door opened, I put my feet on the strats on the outside, and then we were off! It felt like nothing I've ever experienced before. It was like moving in slow motion, but with air coming at you so fast that you had to remember to breathe. I arched just like I was supposed to and then got tapped on the shoulder which was my sign that I could open my arms like a bird and kick my legs back as if I were trying to kick my instructor in the ass (his words, not mine!).

We free fell for a while and then BAM he pulled the parachute! That launched us back in the air way up almost back to the height we were when we first jumped. My parachute was red, white and blue. My instructor showed me where Zack was flying next to us. Because Zack free fell for longer, when they opened the parachute they were farther down than us so he landed first. I floated down and was worried about landing because they want your legs to be up like you are sitting on the ground and with the harnesses it is hard to lift them up like that. I landed on my feet my first try though which my instructor said was super impressive.

It's so cool because the instructor landed us RIGHT where he meant to, and a photographer was there shooting us landing with a getaway car. Zack came over to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss. Then we took some pictures. I told my instructor, who has jumped 9,000 times, that I can see how he could NEVER get bored of this. It was amazing.

I totally want to go again, Dani wants to go with me. Your second time it gets cheaper. It costs about $3,000 worth of jumps to be able to jump on your own, but I'm perfectly content with jumping while attached to someone who knows what they are doing. It was a great, care free feeling and I wasn't scared one bit. I loved it. What a great way to spend a six year anniversary!


Oh but wait, there's more.....


So after that we went home and showered and changed because we were covered in dirt from landing in the desert. Then we went to Wal Mart to buy the stuff to make my mom's birthday dessert- cookie tart! Which everyone was ridiculously excited about, lol.

For some reason again though I felt really depressed and anxious and we couldn't figure out why. So we went to my parent's house and I started making the dessert. I needed to know how much vanilla to put in the mixture and I asked Zack to pull the recipe up on his phone since my hands were covered in flour. Zack got super mad that I asked him to use his phone and kept saying "this is why I bought you an iPhone so you could use it to look this stuff up!" Well that got me fightin' mad because I just wanted to know how much vanilla to use! And Zack was like "Use a cup and a half!" And I was like "Do you want me to make everyone sick? You NEVER use that much!" I told him that he didn't even have to SHOW me his phone, just look it up and tell me verbally how much to use. Still he was all mad. So we went outside and I told him that I felt really anxious and stressed right then and that he could be a tad more nice. He agreed.

But I still wasn't feeling good. I took a valium to calm myself down and laid down for a bit which helped. My mom came in and laid down with me and we talked about how stressed I was from work and waiting to hear about school.

Then it was time for dinner which was my favorite, shish kabobs. Then we did gifts, and Zack and I got my mom Bare Esscentuals face make up and eye make up and a new eyelash curler because hers is older than I am and also a carton of cigarettes (even though I disgaree with supporting the habit!)

Then it was time for dessert and to play my family's new obsession: Catchphrase. Zack, Dad, and Dani and I were on a team and Brittney Mindy and Mom were on the other team. We played for like an hour- we get super competitive but it was lots of fun.

When it was Zack's turn during our last round he turns to me and was like "It's that question, you wanted me to ask you!"

Ok, I had no clue.

"Where the guy gets down on one knee!" (He got down on one knee, and we had been cheating the whole night using hand gestures so I didn't think anything of it.)

I guess at that point I gave my sister Mindy an incredulous look and then was like "Uh, proposal?"

"Yeah, so will you marry me?" And out Zack brings a giant box.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" Was all I could say. He opened the box and there was the prettiest shiny I had ever seen.

"Well, YEAH!" I answered and gave him a ginormous hug. He put the ring on my finger and, just like that....

We were engaged!

My sisters and mom were all teary, but I couldn't stop smiling and laughing. We called everyone and my friends were all SCREAMING on the phone they were so excited.

We're getting married. Married. Married.

:0)

Things and stuff:

Holy cow Batman, ASU budget cuts!!!! What the hell?

I can't go to an important CFT that I need to be there because I have a training and the PO can only go that day. Lame.

Am I Catholic anymore? I don't know. More on that later.

First HHS YL this Thursday night, hope it goes well!

Flagstaff=snow and I will be there this weekend!

Cosette needs x-rays on Thursday. I hope she's OK.

My best friend got into London School of Economics. I am so freaking proud of her!!!

Still no word from schools yet minus Evil Duke lol.

Meeting Emma Baffert today!

Wondering what to get Zack for Valentine's Day.

Cancelled visit yesterday because a kid literally said "I have a friend coming over can you leave?" as soon as I walk in the door. The ONLY kid that I am having issues with.

I am realizing that I use this blog more like B does than M because M updates a hella lot more than me about daily things and thoughts and it takes a LOT to get me inspired to write a blog so that maybe people end up misunderstanding my intentions.

What are my intentions? To write things down so I can remember how it feels to be 21, college graduate, on my own, starting out.

Winter is back...weirdly. And for that, Thank you Global Warming because I love the rain.

FightFOCA.org. Seriously people. This is for reals and it's scary.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing...

If you care enough to talk about my blog, you probably should have the guts or the care to comment to me directly instead of speculating about what I mean.

I don't have to defend my blog of all things, but in my family, in case you haven't guessed it, defending "what we mean" in all things is a daily routine.

This whole thing wasn't woe is me how sad my life is. And no if Zack read this he would not want to dump me flat out because his name isn't even in this damn thing.

This is about looking back and how it feels, and how you thought it would be, and how it ended up, and what you would do differently, and how even though you would have taken a different path you would only want the same destination.

Really what's the point of having a blog if people will just talk about it and make assumptions? I write this for me, only me, and if you're reading it and you're a part of my life then instead of guessing what I mean----- just ask. I'm nothing if not honest.

And maybe it just freaks people out because they realize that there's a lot they don't know about me.

Before I get people being mean or rude to me about this, this is not my intention. I just felt this one time I would defend myself and this blog, but after this, going forward, I am sure you all realize where I am coming from so it will be less vague in the future.

That's all.

Love,

ME!

How did I end up here?

I do have something in depth to say, someday when I have time, but for now I just thought:

Do you ever wonder, out of the blue, how did I end up HERE?

How did I end up here, with this major, pursuing this?

With this guy instead of the other ones?

Going there or doing this?

When did some people stop being important to me and why did it only matter to me and hurt when I became unimportant to them?

I am going in the right direction?

Is it normal to wish I had strayed the path a little, but ultimately ended up here all the same?

Is there time to go another way or at least is it OK to think about it while I keep going ahead?

Am I always going to need some people's approval?

If I stay caring will eventually my relationship with some people come back to life?

Are my memories of my time with people always going to stay this fresh? What if they start to fade? How can I hang on to them?

Do you ever go about daily life and suddenly BAM! Random memory that you wish you held on to more?

Example: I was watching a movie the other day and all of a sudden a memory came: the first time a guy held my hand during a movie. BIG drama in my life, right? The life of a junior high schooler. It got all around school that I held hands with this guy. Then we had a "big talk" and decided we were better off friends. We stayed best friends for years. Now, we don't talk at all. My mom can tell me the song she danced to with a certain boy in seventh grade. Am I going to be able to remember random things that make me smile or frown in the future?

Do you ever think that maybe you have this blog because you are hoping the right people stumble upon it some day because it's less scary than just talking to them for real?

In 2008...

In 2008...

I did my second to last quarter in school.
The Durham girls were reunited.
I worked as a research assistant to a Religious Studies professor and realized it was difficult because I DON'T KNOW LATIN.
I watched the ball drop with my boyfriend and my sister.
I cooked a bunch of new things.
I made a new best guy friend when we both needed someone to lean on.
One of my good friends turned into a best friend.
I discovered...ROCK BAND.
I nearly had a nervous breakdown due to my neuropsychology class.
I had a 5 year anniversary.
I said goodbye to a boy before he left for Iraq.
I made a cake in a jar.
I went to church almost every day of Lent and I started to pray and talk to God more than ever.
I found an email in his MySpace inbox.
I was single for awhile.
I didn't tell my roommate for two weeks. Or my friends for a couple months. Because I felt like it.
I went to Las Vegas for my 21st.
I celebrated my 21st for a week!
I remembered I still had to do my thesis...
I figured I was a senior so I might as well party- and I had a great time.
I had to give up going to the gym because I needed to spend all of my time on my thesis.
I graduated and it was the worst weekend ever.
I fell asleep when they were announcing the Business degrees.
I graduated with three sets of honors cords which flew up in the air when I waved as I got my diploma. It was magically awkward but I loved it.
I moved back home.
I had a graduation party and my Arizona friends all came.
I did tequila shots with my dad.
I was priviledged to spend a few days with my mom's late best friend and witness how amazing she was.
I got Dexter, my beloved brand-new green Beetle with black leather interior, heated seats, and everything wonderful.
I went house hunting in the dead of summer.
We found a dream house and moved in.
I fulfilled a long time dream and became a Young Life leader.
I got a job at where I taught anger management and substance abuse education to teens.
I splurged at Ikea and then had to suffer through assembling everything.
A beautiful baby was born named Joaquin Antonio Chavez and anyone who sees him is instantly enthralled.
I got a phone call that made me erase a history with someone and just focus on helping them and just being there.
I went to Seattle with my Durham girls and I reveled in how best friends can arrive in our lives unexpectedly when you didn't know you needed them-- but you are always perfect fro eacho ther.
I said hello to a boy at Camp Pendleton because he promised it wouldn't happen again. Again.
We thew a Halloween/Welcome Back party of massive proportions, but I became very ill the day of and only appeared briefly as Posh Spice to aid David Beckham before having to resume being sick up in my room.
I lost the said job due to budget cuts and got a new, better one in less than a week.
I became a phone person because I missed Sarah, Erica, and Amy so much.
I went to Winter Camp for Young Life and had the best weekend ever.
I cried my eyes out when we had quiet time, it was completely dark and starlit outside, and hundreds of kids were scattered in silence, sitting and thinking about God. And then, as I sat on a rock overlooking them, I caught sight of a shooting start and knew that He was there.
I started some grueling training far far away in Phoenix and hated the drive.
I filled out graduate application, realized I'm a spaz, sent out reccommendation forms, edited a past essay, and decided what my purpose was for my Statement of Purpose.
I started to learn Arabic.
I went to paradise on earth- Hawaii- and had the best, most serenity-filled time that I had in a long time.
I had a quiet Christmas.
I spent 72 hours with kids from my program at work up in Prescott and was reminded that when a kid needs someone, that relationship can be built in minutes or hours if its needed.
I considered, postponed, rejected, year-around.
I celebrated New Years' with my boy and two good friends.
I anticipated.